Retro FPS

I found myself reminding everyone around me about the value of hard work.

They didn’t give a shit.

I found myself reminding myself about the value of hard work.

Neither did I.

The lesson? It takes two to win “Dancing With The Stars”. It takes dedication to not give a shit.

Here endeth the lesson… an’ that.

“You make me feel like dancin'”

Leo Sayer, 1975… or something

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Did you ever notice that absolutely NOBODY, I mean, NOBODY, knows how to cartwheel correctly? Eh? WTF is that all about?

“C’mon an’ do the Conga”

Black Lace, sometime in the 80’s

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You know that feeling you get? Like when you dream about missing an exam, and you’ve forgot to put your clothes on?

I feel like that all the time… and there’s no medication for it (so I’m told… or else everyone likes to laugh at me…)

“We are the good-squad and we’re comin’ to town… PEEP PEEP!”

David Bowie, “Fashion”, 1981 (I think)

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Does anyone else feel uncomfortable when their ordinate is explaining a critical issue at work, and all you can think of is how their face looks in a sauna with Bertrand Russell’s pet chow?

That really pisses me off, just sometimes though.

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I picked up some fruit in the supermarket the other day, and I ate it, right there on the spot, honest.

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As my dad used to always say stuff.

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The difference between a duck is that both its legs are the same. Really think about that.

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Sometimes, like now, I get these panic-attacks and I think I’m gonna die, but I didn’t. Because I can’t type this if I’m dead.

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One day, about 25 years ago, My mother was throwing out some old furniture yesterday. Just to piss her off, I shouted “Mum, what does Eviction mean?”

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I don’t know if Bertrand Russel even owned a dog.

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Do you?

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I was asleep one night, then I woke up in the morning.

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I was finding it hard to get new dev ideas. So I stayed up all night. A cop saw me standing outside my house, he says “What’ya doin’, bud?”. I says ” Waitin’ for the cat to come in to put it out”.

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I was eating custard the other day and I thought of the Alamo

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You know when you’re cooking fried eggs, and they spit the damn oil at you? Thats shite, eh?

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Its really sore if it hits you on the cheek.

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There really should be less chicken-urine content in eggs, then they wouldn’t spit oil on me when I try to fry them.

Chickens know this and have formed a non-urine chicken coallition.

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To be a real part of the human race, you must know at LEAST two psychos… at LEAST. I know three (Including myself).

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… Guess thats what makes us human… Spock sucks…

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When the chips are down, the oil isn’t hot enough.

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I used to listen to my Dad reprimand dogs that shat in our garden. Why then, at age 4, and showing ultimate initiative, did I get the living shit kicked out of me when I told a dog that intruded into our garden to “FUCK OFF” ???

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I used to think that I was royalty, until my Mum explained that we were “Royally Fucked”

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Heavy concrete airplanes don’t fly at all. I know. I tried one. It was shite

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I took a trip to the countryside once. There wasn’t anything there. What for?

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I love my pet cats. And they reciprocate. Believe me. I found a reciprocation on my bed one night.

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My wife loves me for what I am. Fucking God help her.

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Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be winning lottery numbers, two bags of lightly roasted turnips and free tickets to Morgan Freemans stand-up cartwheeling ensemble.

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